Sunday, March 27, 2005

Apron for Sale

Trading in the tray for a desktop. I start in a week. It's advertising.

Okay, okay, I'm pretty excited. It's been a grueling process. The past two months have been rough. Job-searching= soul-searching. Countless interviews. Same suit over and over. Insomnia. Budgeting. Stress. I feel like I'm allowed to exhale now. I wasn't allowed before, they don't allow it at the restaurant.
Pride and Pride

Realization: the purest form of vanity is pride. It is the most image-concious attribute that can discourage or prevent you from acting desirably. It serves as a protector from risking being disappointed, hurt or rejected. It prevails upon insecurity. It's prevalent in me.

For a long time, I prided myself on my pride. I'm starting to re-evaluate things. Perhaps, it has kept me from true expression, from honesty, from living life. I'm not old, but I'm not young. I need to be me. This means taking risks. Wow, at 26 after-school specials are now being learned.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


I fear that I'm on the brink of a mini-crisis with this job thing, or the lack thereof. Thus, I will remind myself of things to be happy about.

My friends in New York, all two of them. My coffee grinder, it's been with me since college sophomore year. Another thing I've had since college is my nasty habit of smoking and I'm happy to report that for the first time I've cut down. Expanded musical taste. Good Chicken Cacciatore. Free Jamba Juice coupon. Good hair color, finally found a hair dye I like.

Silver lining everywhere.
Job Search

This sucks. I'm think I'm close to taking the very next job offer just to put an end to this. I cannot revise my resume for the umpteenth time. I cannot go through another interview. I cannot put that same suit on again. I cannot keep straightening my hair.

Trying to find a job is like dating. The first interview is the first date, sans cocktails. Awkward, nerve-racking, behaved, proper, unnatural...yep, a first date. Then, both walk away reflecting on the interview and wondering if they should meet again. Was their chemistry? Will they be a good fit? Will they commit? Will they aspire to take the company to the next level? Will they be searching for other jobs while with the company? Will they be easily enticed by other jobs?

Seemingly, everyone is looking for a better job in New York.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Subway singles

Do married people not ride the subway? Do they take other means of transportation? Do they live 'outside' of New York? I never see them on the metro. Ring-less fingers everywhere.
Hanging shoes

What's with the shoes hanging from electric lines? I see them in parts of Brooklyn. I feel like they symbolize something.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Good guys are good

Maybe I did turn another year. I believe I'm growing past the bad boy thing. What was once exciting and challenging is now looked at with disdain. I'm realizing that all the lesser nice guys (longer way of saying a$$holes) are just boys with too much insecurity and uncertainty of who they are. Men, on the other hand, know who they are, what they want and treat people as they want to be treated. Simple as that. This goes for women too. Confident women aren't scared to be kind and affectionate to those they like. Now, none of this means that these good people have to start sizing the ring finger but isn't it more fun and MORE challenging to risk a little vulnerability and put yourself out there with sincerity? This is my own rebuttal to my Valentine's entry.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


It made me laugh out loud. I was watching the Amazing Race, and one of the Road Block challenges were titled, "who loves shoes?" All the couple teams handed it straight to their wives/girlfriends. The gay lesbian team were not fond of the challenge. And the gay male couple both wanted to do it. Turns out the challenge was shoe shining but it was great comical rhythm- no one missed a beat, everyone knows where they stand on their love for shoes.

Perhaps, the the big rage of reality shows is the visibility of stereotypes. Reality shows are supposed to be reflections of reality, not produced thus, any topic that was once shunned are now acceptable. Stereotypes are excused (and probably desired) because of the medium it's presented through. Marshall McLuhan's 'the medium is the message' comes to mind- this is one of the rare moments where what you learned from school is leaping to reality.
Sweet 16 ( 10)

Ten years ago, I had a job, I started driving and I had a boyfriend. Now, I'm working part-time, no car, and a boyfriend that's as existent as my Jag. Happy birthday to me.

go girl, work it out.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Sand is overrated, they're just tiny little rocks

An event bigger than the super-bowl, red sox vs. yankees world series, tour de france, princess diana and prince charles' wedding, jen and ben's breakup, jen and brad's separation, combined, is all over. The 2005 Oscars are done. Sadly, my two fave films of the year, Closer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, weren't very recognized. They were amongst my fave for the following lines/quotes/zingers/taglines/what have you...(above quote from Eternal Sunshine...)

- If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking. (Closer)
-I love her because she doesn't need me. (Closer)
-Don't say it! Don't you fucking say "you're too good for me" I am, but don't say it. (Closer)
-Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. (Eternal Sunshine...)
-Are we the couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-McRomance. Want some fries with that? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-...I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. (Eternal Sunshine...)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


I lost my glasses. I can't find 'em anywhere. I've looked in every nook and cranny of this apartment, all two of them. Where could they be? No, where the hell are they?

Something about me, I never lose things...ever. I've been known to be a little uptight with my shit. Rather than letting it go or postponing the search, I'm handicapped from doing anything...until I find my glasses. I'm starting to recognize it as a flaw in me. It prevents me from moving forward, I could draw a parallel here of how I can't look ahead to the future and the depth of my vision is limited to the present but I won't because I can't think or eat, moreover watch American Idol until I find my glasses. I thought taking a moment to pound away at the keyboard would help but nope, as I type I'm looking around for another nook.

missing: red thick framed glasses with the two most important initials in the American alphabet on the side hinge, "cc"
In a heartbeat

The swift ability to have a change of heart always amazed me. Most break ups aren't premediated and planned for an appropriate gradual departure. Sure, in hindsight people are always saying: "I knew it was coming," or "I was just waiting for the right time," or "we were having problems." But recall where things were at the week before or perhaps even the night before. The relationship probably persisted as it normally did (take-home dinner, falling asleep to the movie, sex-less sleepover) and then days or hours later, you're broken up.

While I haven't been in a commited situation for...over five years now, I understand the ability to have a change of heart. I was scrolling through my blog and I cannot believe some of the dates. One week I'm gushing about a boy's musical talents then the next week, I'm giddy about some bartender. Honestly, I didn't realize it, honestly. And in a way, that was nice, to be blissfully ignorant. These days, I fear that I may be too aware, too realisitc. My girls and I are always throwing around the phrase, "keep it real," it's starting to spoil things. I know that most things will end because...well...everything in the past has ended but it was nice when that wasn't a reality.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Why is there nothing to write about when things are fine or even great?