Friday, March 31, 2006

i love getting presence

The best kind of surprise is presence. I attended a book reading tonight and I threw out an invite to the suitor thinking he'd skip. I go to 'mix' and there he is. I like the feeling of proximity to him. Even if we're mixing with others, it feels warm to know he's around. When he's not in sight, my eyes dart around the room. I shoot for casual but I'm sure it reads. Head fixed, eyeballs bouncing. When he returns from the bathroom, I feel relieved. Even if we're with smoozing with others, which we always are. He's great at that. I'm great at that. We're way too great at that. I always think we should be a text message commercial. He's chatting it up with some elder who wants to set him up with their daughter and I'm chatting with the bartender. Simultaneously sending messages: she says I look like her daugher's ex-boyfriend. I reply: the bartender says you look like his ex-boyfriend. Sometimes it's fun to not be with him when you're with him.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

four friends, some lovers, playing 69

...last holiday break.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
C: When furry did. 8:04am.
J: 7:45am. Snooze. 8am. Snooze. 8:15am. Snooze. 8:30am.
A: 7:30 from a hotel wake up call
S: 8:04am.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
C: Pearl beaded necklace with a big diamond pendant dangling from it.
J: Diamonds on the fingers and ears. "Pearl necklaces" are kinda nice. Ew. TMI?
A: Pearl anal beads – shoot that’s probably TMI as well
S: Pearls for women. Bling for men.

3. What was the last film you saw at the theater?
C: MatchPoint.
J: The Family Stone
A: The Family Stone – same as Janet - imagine that
S: The Family Stone. Same as.. never mind. Who the hell goes to see a movie alone when you should be in pottery class?!

4. What is your favorite TV show?
C: Six Feet Under. No, Entourage. No, Six Feet Under. No..
J: Prison Break
A: 24 / West Wing / Entourage
S: Charlie Rose Show

5. What did you have for breakfast?
C: A hollowed out bagel with scallion cream cheese and a skim latte.
J: A cappucino and some kind of semi-healthy looking muffin that Aslan bought
A: Protein shake
S: John McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal with real maple syrup on top and a piping hot cup of Alto Grande coffee with a dash of Soymilk. The oatmeal takes a half an hour to make.

6. What is your middle name?
C: Me Young.
J: I don't have one. Although Janet isn't my "legal" name. Korean name is Joo Yeun.
A: David – named after the hurricane that hit Miami when I was born
S: Ernest.

7. What is your favorite food?
C: Eggs. Poached, coddled, scrambled, over medium, german-boiled. All yum.
J: That would be like asking me to pick my favorite child.
A: Anything from a garden
S: Candy (Big C). And hummus. And Cheese. Not at the same time.

8. What foods do you dislike?
C: Filler foods. Like raisins and peanuts. Their abundance is a turn-off. But I like Spanish Peanuts and dried craisins.
J: I would love ALL of my children.
A: Anything from a cow
S: Raw oysters. (I feel like I'm contradicting myself here.) Mushrooms.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
C: Kettle chips.
J: Those Hawaiian ones. They're sorta kettle-cooked.
A: Only chips I eat are corn chips with Salsa
S: Lays.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
C: Suedehead, Morrissey.
J: Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits.
A: Bob Dylan huh…funny, she never seems to play it when I am around. I always seem to gravitate back to anything coldplay
S: Supergrass.

11. What kind of car do you drive?
C: A yellow car but I sit in the back.
J: Black Camry LE.
A: Similar car to Candy – but with a more pungent odor
S: I used to pick chicks up in a champagne colored Chrysler LeBaron. Now all I got is the loser cruiser and a subway card.


12. What is the last thing you did before going to bed last night?
C: Gossiped on the phone w/ J. Asked her what to do with a jar of pickle chips (per Stevie). Brought The Alchemist (per Azzie) and chamomile tea to bed then watched Forest Gump on TBS.
J: Private! I'm in a long distance relationship 'MEMBER?!
A: Helped Janet count all the new cash that she is getting
S: Sent a work email. Played Soduko in bed while petting my cat

13. Three celebrity freebies. (It's not cheating if they're famous).
C: Damn J, we got some jungle fever up in here. I like me them funny white boys. John Stewart (smart cutie), Danny Masterson(curly cutie), David Letterman (macho cutie). All bootylicious. Jimmy Fallon will always have my heart though.
J: Hm....Chris Cornell, Johnny Depp in his pirate garbs....or as Willy Wonka! (omg, he was so good in that)...throw in a Brandon Boyd and I'm good to go. (love you Aslan.)
A: Halle Berry, Hulle Burre, Hilly Barre
S: Halle, Chloe, Beyonce

14 Favorite drink?
C: Not a big drinker but for a beer: anything light, for a wine: Shiraz, and for liquor: vodka.
J: I'm partial to anything Ketel based.
A: Water
S: Birch Beer.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be?
C: Morocco.
J: I hear Croatia is the new Costa Rica. Right now, I'll take anywhere my passport is needed.
A: Southeast Asia
S: Iceland if I want it meaningful. The island of Ibiza if I don't.

16.What color is your bathroom?
C: The color that it was when I moved in, off white.
J: Ecru.
A: I have no idea. I usually have my eyes closed in order to focus on my task at hand
S: Red and white checkered tiles. My landlord's boyfriend, Kenny, was the carpenter and he was a drunk.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
C: These days I'm into ironic designs, i.e. Imitation of Christ, Buddist Punk, DSquared, LAMB. It's like Marc Jacobs goes to a funeral or Little Red Riding Whore.
J: Oooooh, I'm not as edgy as Candy when it comes to clothes! I like whatever is affordable - pretty much an Urban Outfitters type of girl...
A: Whatever my girlfriend tells me to wear.
S: Dolce & Gabbana. Paul Smith. Yves Saint Laurent. They're all good Makers and they're all unaffordable.

18.Where would you retire?
C: Hopefully by then a waterfront in Brooklyn will become beach-like and I can live out the rest of my years between two great loves: NYC and the ocean.
J: I don't even know where I'm going to want to be a year from now...come on.
A: Somewhere near the ocean
S: Retire?

19 Favorite time of day?
C: Right after work, right before dinner. That hour or so when you don't know if you'll be ordering in or meeting friends.
J:When my pizza/chinese/thai delivery arrives.
A: When I get Janet on the phone (haha – sorry for the lame answer)
S: After I get off the phone with Candy. Sorry.. said that wrong.. after I get ON the phone with Candy.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
C: Project Runway. It's competitive.
J: Ultimate Fighter.
A: Basketball
S: On TV, Basketball. Live, Baseball, no, basketball. It's those damn cheerleaders.

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
C: My brother.
J: Between the other two on this email chain?
A: I guess Fu is the only one left
S: What-EVER.

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
C: Me.
J: Dunno about first- last is probably Funaro.
A: Candy is the only logical answer
S: What-Ev

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
C: I have no idea what Lee's Cleaners uses on my clothes.
J: Whatever the cheapest was for Von's club card members.
A: Whatever Janet or Rich has in their closet right now
S: Earthpledge.

25. Coke or Pepsi?
C: Coke. Diet.
J: Either. But has to be Diet.
A: Neither – but if I had to choose - Coke
S: Pepsi growing up. Coke growing old.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?
C: A night that howls into the morning.
J: A little bit of both - not that excitable any time of the day.
A: Weekday – I am a morning person / Weekend – Night owl
S: Night owl.

27. What size shoe do you wear?
C: 6. For the right designer, 5.5 or 6.5.
J: 8 1/2 but I think my feet are shrinking. And my right foot is definitely bigger than the left.
A: 11 ½ and my left is slightly bigger than my right
S: 13. And I have big hands. What-EVER.

28. Do you have pets?
C: Yep, his name is furry.
J: Hell no.
A: My only pet ever was a goldfish that I won at the fair
S: Two cats. Big Boy and Little Guy.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends?
C: Actually, just today I won 500 bucks from an essay contest I entered. And, I don't feel like saving it so you people should ask me out. My treat.
J: Nothing here. But Congrats to Candy!
A: I have gone almost 2 full months without paying rent!
S: I don't like to share.

30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little?
C: Ramona Quinby.
J: Ramona the Pest? I think I wanted to be Indiana Jones.
A: A yuppie
S: Frank Lloyd Wright. The Architect.

31. Favorite Candy Bar?
C: M&M's. The peanut ones but they're coated so it's not that ordinary.
J: I don't like candy. (Small c not big C.)
A: Any sour candy
S: Snickers.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
C: Baby-sitter, dry-clean bagger (that's where you bag the the clothes) Spanish tutor, smoothie blender (Jamba Juice- made it to asst. manager), retail, retail, retail, waitress, bartender, media something, teacher.
J: Swap Meat girl with Dad, selling eel-skin hangbags and luggage. Wells Fargo Bank Teller. Lancome Beauty Consultant. Banana Republic sales hag. Entertainment PR intern. Legal Assistant. Marketing Manager/Office biatch.
A: Domino’s Delivery boy (hat and car sign right on the white station wagon), Abercrombie retail biatch, food runner, food server, bar back, tea maker, investment banker intern, management consultant
S: Gas station attendant (self-service). Mowing lawns. Movie theater concession stand, projectionist, and manager. (I had my own red vest) A Carpenter. Moving Luggage in a warehouse for Camp kids. Factory job running a machine that stuffs envelopes full of junk mail. Graphic Designer/Art Director.

34. Favorite season?
C: Fall.
J: Summer!
A: Summer!
S: Fall.

35. Nicknames you've had?
C: My name is a nickname. Ironically, close friends call me Candice.
J: Jolly Green Janet. Shamu. Single White Janet. Pancake Face. Big Girl... Shall I continue?
A: Asi, Chicken Legs, Ass-lan, Ass-face, Ass-pirin, Giraffe, Bean Pole
S: Funaro. Funro. Fun. Fu. 4 O'clock. (And as of last week... Tree, Furry, Sex Tiger)

36. Piercings:
C: Two: one in each ear. Nose piercing and cartilage came out after college.
J: Ears, nose and navel. I got most of them AFTER college.
A: none
S: None. My body is a temple. I did pierce a man once. It was awesome.

37. Eye color:
C: Brown.
J: Omniscient, seething pools of ebony - don't get lost in them...
A: Hazel
S: Hazel Green. Candy can't seem to decide.

38. Ever been to Africa?
C: I wish.
J: I wish MORE than you.
A: No, but I would love to sleep with a black chick
S: Yes. Mmm.

39. Ever been toilet papering?
C: Yes. A lot.
J: No. What a mess - I don't hate anyone THAT much.
A: Yes - once
S: Yes. But that quickly turned into 'golfing' houses.

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
C: How about, ever love someone so much you didn't cry? Yes.
J: I think so...
A: Yes
S: Was that love?

41. Been in a car accident?
C: Yes. Four, including rear-ending my senior honors English teacher.
J: Yes. Plus 3 DUI arrests - my dad two, me one.
A: Once – not my fault
S: Once while I was driving. Once while I was sleeping in the back seat.

42. What's a question no one has ever asked you?
C: Why do I blog?
J: "Why are you so shy?"
A: How do you get your legs to look to big
S: Why don't you like to suck cock?

43. Favorite day of the week?
C: Thursday. It's like that favorite time of the day, the whole day. Don't know what's to come for the next few days.
J: I guess Fridays.
A: Saturday
S: Wednesday. Pottery class day.

44. Favorite restaurant?
C: I lived in SF and now NY, too hard to answer.
J: Chains. Applebee's, CPK, Tony Roma's. All about it.
A: Ditto candy’s answer
Balthazar. Why not. They make me feel like a movie star.

45. Favorite flower?
C: Mexican lilies. They're sharp not soft.
J: Allergies.
A: Whatever funaro is growing in the garden
S: African Lilies.

46. Favorite ice cream?
C: Coffee and chocolate or mint and chocolate.
J: Ben and Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip or Dreamery's Tiramisu - both are really hard to find. And I'm lactose intolerant.
A: Haagen Daaz – Cookie’s and Cream or Macadamia Nut Brittle Chocolate.
S: I'm with Aslan on the Daaz.

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?
C: WB all the way.
J: Neither. Pixar...maybe.
A: Disney I guess
S: Disney for the big stuff. WB for the small stuff.

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
C: Jack in the Box.
J: In and Out & Del Taco.
A: Veggie Burger express
S: Subway.

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?
C: Wood.
J: Shit. I have no idea right now...
A: I don’t have a bedroom
S: Wood.

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
C: Zero but I got a 70 on the driving portion (exactly what you need to pass in CA).
J: I got a 92 on the first try. Granted I was almost 20.
A: Appleman fail a test? Ha!
S: I passed. My brother failed. God I felt so bad for him. He didn't see the stop sign behind the tree.

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
C: Karen.
J: Lee Sargeant. A freelance developer from the UK who does work for us. He's 17.
A: The Accenture tax group telling me they were going to do my taxes for me because I worked in 3+ states last year
S: Kimberley Sanderson-Hutfilz

52. Which store would you choose to max out your Credit Card?
C: I'll do half at Searle and half at ABC Home.
J: Can we not talk about maxing out credit cards? =(
A: I’m too cheap to max out a credit card – But if I had to…probably Barneys NY
S: I'll do one card at a sporting goods store like EMS or Paragon and one card at the Scores or any other strip club. That is a store right?

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?
C: Good answer: blog, call friends in Cali, reorder the movies on my queue. Honest answer: roll a doobie, watch VH1, Nick at Nite, History channel, tweeze.
J: Pick fights with people.
A: Let Janet pick fights with me
S: Call somebody. I'm not bored very often. No time. I'm too unorganized.

54. Bedtime:
C: I don't have one. I aim to get into bed by midnight and fall asleep by 1.
J: Whenever I start drooling.
A: Before 12 most nights
S: 10:30. But I keep missing it.

56. Last person you went to dinner with?
C: Aslan and Rich.
J: My roommate.
A: Janet
S: Candy.

57. Ford or Chevy?
C: Ford. Mustang. Shelby.
J: I like my boys American. Not my cars.
A: If either…it has to be OLD
S: I want the Ford Shelby! Old AND new.

58. What are you listening to right now?
C: Fugees.
J: Mars Volta and Rilo Kiley.
A: The annoying sound of a NC accent talking non-stop in the cube next to mine
S: Leo Kottke and Mike Gordon - Sixty Six Steps.

59. What is your favorite color?
C: Umm...purple? No, green. No. white. Blue has never been a favorite color though I have a lot of blue in my closet.
J: Totally depends on what we're talking about here.
A: I don’t get your answer Janet – don’t think I have one anymore…
C: Blue.

60. Lake, Ocean or River?
C: Rivers look clean. Lakes look calm. Oceans don't look that clean or calm. Ocean.
J: Hehe - I like hotel pools.
A: Ocean
S: River. I like fresh.

61. How many tattoos do you have?
C: None. I want one on my left ass cheek though. A pair of lips.
J: One.
A: None – mom wouldn’t let me get one
S: None. My body is a temple. I once gave a lip tattoo though.

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
C: Defnitely the egg.
J: How would the egg have appeared without the hen to squeeze it out?
A: I don’t know – but I sure am glad there are eggs…especially at Brunch on the weekend
S: Egg. Plucky is right.

63. How many people are you sending this email to?
C: Three.
J: Not sending. Only responding.
A: Tres
S: Three.

64. Favorite Cocktail?
C: A medley of sips from others drinks.
J: Is this different from "Favorite Drink"?
A: Kettle one/tonic
S: Pimms and 7-up. It feels yummy in my tummy.

65. Red or White wine?
C: Red, I guess.
J: White lately.
A: Red
S: Rojo. Definitely Rojo.

66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way?
C: Rio de Janeiro.
J: Somewhere with a hotel pool. Or Guatemala.
A: Come on people – it is only for a WEEKEND. You wouldn’t even get to Rio by then.
S: I would say Vegas Vermont or New Hampshire or Miami.

67. What do you want to be?
C: A writer: novel, screenplay. But not a journalist, I can't write that fast and frequent.
J: I'll tell you when I know.
A: Happy
S: A Shaman.

68. Republican or Democrat?
C: D Party.
J: I'm not politically active enough to claim either. No political posers please.
A: Democratic fo sho
S: Democrat. I feel like Republicans have all the fun though.

69. Favorite Family Vacation?
C: Umm...okay.
J: Seriously. Gay.
A: The one in Ireland where my sister and mom fought constantly and my cousin and I got into a bar fight. Sure you want to borrow that?
S: Disney World! Just kidding. Bush Gardens! It's in Virginia.

Friday, March 17, 2006

vanilla roads

I was walking down 5th Ave headed into work this morning and for a brief moment I experienced something in New York I never have. I was outside and not a single person was in sight. Crossing 5th Ave, in the middle of the crosswalk, I literally stood still looking around for people, for cars, for activity and nothing. Very Vanilla Sky. But the roads weren't blocked for a movie, they were cleared and gated for the St. Patrick's Day Parade and for a mere moment the crew was not in sight. By now, the streets are probably flooded with green. But for a moment this morning, I had the city to myself. What a trip.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

single. or. double

Better to be single or play as a double? No, no, no, as if I would write about a topic like that.

Please take a moment and let me know if you single or double space after a period. I've been taught double but recent edition writers' guides say single. Even grammar is recognizing the changing of times. Just want to know if we're all following.
bite me

I'm not convinced. Not in the least. We don't fight.

Certainly, we've had our share of snippy words, lip bites (me) and 'that's not what you said last time's' (him) but we have yet to release the big throw down. We need beenie off, hair tied, sleeves rolled, me standing on a chair, looking right at him in the eyes. We need to start swinging.

This is not at all to suggest perfection on either end. Yes, evidently, in large, we're compatible. This is also not to suggest lack of chemistry. We're chemical. But I need the grrr. Like cereal mascot grrr but it doesn't have to end 'great.' There's having issues regarding the relationship but then, there's the daily stuff. I'm a fantastic arguer. Let's bicker, let's debate, let's shout! Here are some topics of conflict I thought of:

Your black and white movies: I know only bad people say that they don't like classic cinema but I am what I am. No more Citizen Kane or Howard Hughes.

When you place objects right on the edge of tables it makes me uneasy. Scoot it back. Gravitate towards the center.

Do you use my eye cream?

Pottery class ends at 9pm. Smoozing with the teacher, distracting her, to work a bit longer works. Grrr...

Yes, I am over 5 feet. You damn tree.

You yank enough floss from the dispenser to decorate a tree. I will decorate you with it if you keep doing it.

Your ring tone. Birds. No.

Movies don't wait for its audience to arrive.

Hand me the tissue box faster. And help.

Asking me if I cut my hair every week is covering your bases. Cut it out.

As I'm rinsing the soap off my hands you come and place your ready-to-wash hands over mine. That brings me back to square one.

Staying patient while I rant, letting me kick my legs onto the matress (literally)
and putting your arms around me while my arms are crossed. You think you got it all figured out don't you?

Bite me.

Monday, March 06, 2006

golden dresses and tresses...but no stresses

A pal put it best: as minorities, we saw Crash and thought, 'And?' Some strong performances but was it really an 'original' screenplay.
George Clooney, if possible, you became even sexier during your speech.
John Stewart looked comfortable up there. Billy Crystal comfortable. Pimp jokes and Jew jokes at the Oscars, it's about time.
Jessica Alba looked like the Oscar. And everyone wanted to hold her.
P.Hoffy is a rock star. 'See-more' of him soon.
Ang Lee, another rock star. English is his second language and his speech was the most coherent. Mostly because it was short and simple but that's the way it should be.
Looks like Reese was 'elected' this year. In my mind Reese Witherspoon is an Academy Award Winner...not as June Carter but as Tracy Flick.
The suitor liked the memoriam montage of those that passed in the past year- he likes listening to the sound of popularity based on applause.
All in all, the show maintained prim and proper. No crying, no kissing, no chair jumping which is a shame because that's what makes it. Thank G for the anonymous Three 6 Mafia and their fantastic joyful acceptance. They woke everyone up and gave their 'dawg Clooney' a shout out. Then again, at least audience didn't sing 'It's hard out here for a pimp.'

Sunday, March 05, 2006

hard kisses

Before a guy cums I dismiss anything that comes out of his mouth. Only problem is that most of them fall asleep right after. So I learned. I learned not to fluff the pillow to chat. I learned to spoon. I learned not to ask the inevitable third date question, when was your last relationship. I learned to stroke. I learned not to ask the inevitable third month question, where is this headed. I learned to hold tight.

Now, I'm learning that a tight grip doesn’t mean that you have a hold on anything.

I need some time to organize my thoughts. That's what I say. Always. In a taxing effort to say only meaningful, relevant words, I lose it all. My mind included. The mouth opens to a gape then lips meet again. No words, just a squirm of sounds. That's my problem. In trying to place my thoughts, my feelings lose rank. But I like and respect my thoughts. It was my thoughts that kept me from chasing wrong men (for too long anyway), from falling for people too quickly or from giving my heart to someone who wouldn't be careful with it.

It is my thinking that says, I don't need to ask about the ex-girlfriend. I'm not that girl. I don't open ex-files. I don't need to know the details of the break-up. But my heart, my heart tells a different story. It pumps. It yells. Everyone has a past but a past like yours is shocking. Uncommon. Nine years. Others mention their lovers' past like it was something they tried, an experience. Like summer camp. Whether the memories are fond or frowned, there's alienation from it. It's from another time. But yours is in your inbox. Has tails and roams around your home. You two named the cats together. You two live in the same neighborhood that you once set up a home in. Put up pictures together. Asi from the corner bodega knows the two of you as two. He sees me with you now and realizes that there's someone new in your life. How long will he see me come around before someone else comes around and asks for Lotto and litter. Do you wait at the bus stop thinking about how the two of you used wait together, holding bags of groceries for dinner. On your way to the park do you pass her place and in passing check to see if her light is on. Are you lonely at the laundry mat. Do you two write to each like summer camp pals. With politeness and care or do you two still talk about you two? Has there ever been talk of me? And you don’t ever slander her. There are never kind words to me of, “She was crazy. Nuts. I learned a lot from the relationship but it’s a closed chapter. We don’t work together.” The lack of these words comfort me in knowing that I might get off scot-free too. Aftermath thoughts like, “She was just another emotionally tight-lipped girl who needed to get over her fears, get over herself” won’t be said about me. But this also puts everyone in their own corners. We’re not on the same side. There isn’t an us.

Slowly my thoughts are leaning and I think I could inquire. Not only to learn more about where you're at but to show you where I'm at. That I'm at a place where I care about this now. All of this. That I'm finally succumbing to my curiosities and uncertainties. Uncertainty. That's a good word for us.

My thoughts also tell me not to engage in a conversation about the future. Goals, dreams and destinations. Moving to another time zone falls under this category. How could I continue with you knowing that every move you make is with a bigger move in mind. But my heart begs the question, how could the T-Mobile guy know more about your life’s outlook than me. He knows your plan to not commit to a one-year plan while I think about you making it out to California next year. To sleep in the room that I grew up in, to watch you get fed eight times a day by a Korean mother who will speak to you in Korean even after you respond in English. What's near the equator that entices you so much. A move that big must entail a lot of research. You must have gathered a lot of information by now. Isn't it hard to conceal your findings about such a life change from me. We email each other pictures from college, Bill Murray movie trailers that aren't even coming out for another year, and indiscriminate video clips as a hello in our day. Do you come across pictures of villas and waters that you can't wait to get to and die to show me but keep from me for the sake of me. For the sake of you. That’s thoughtful. That’s selfish. Do you job search in that country. Do friends and family know your agenda and ask you about it while I’m away, while I’m in the bathroom. How foolish I must look. Does 'she' know what your future plans are and I'm in the dark.

I suppose I chose the dark. You've gone to switch the light on and initiate the talk and I tried to appear dim to your mild efforts. And mild they were, they weren’t assertive which makes someone like me, who’s already diffident, immediately recuperate from the stiff moments with a subject change. Except you’re too smart to fool. Those were the moments I leaned in and kissed you because I'd open my mouth, ready to speak and that's all I could do. Put my lips against yours. Some of the hardest kisses I've ever had.

When we finally have the talk we've both been pushing back for so long will I receive neatly bundled answers? With bows. ‘We're not together but she's someone that will always be in my heart.’ I wonder if I could accept that. I don’t think this is something I could compromise on. I’m thinking no negotiations on this one. I don’t want to share you. Your love has to be all mine. To my knowledge, this the most honest and fair thing I will ever say to you.

I think about the guy who felt bad the entire walk home from pottery to the subway because he forgot someone’s name who said hello to him in the street. How is this person going to ever let down someone he’s known for a third of his life. And I can’t compete with that. I can’t compete with the countless photos. Trips. Arguments. Reconciliations. Apartments. Weddings. Waiting in wait rooms together. Shopping for a bed together. Less explanations are needed with her. You can say Matt Thomas to her. You have to say ‘my college roommate’ to me. I can’t compete with that.

But I am going to try.

I want to fight for it now. I want to fight for us. Even six months ago, I had a different attitude towards it. I would have thrown up the white flag and wished you and your past a brighter future.

I was able to let it all go last year but now things are different and I can’t go back. We can’t go back. I knew in my mind and heart that there were topics to confront. Both my top and center finally agree. But I was scared to ask, to tell. Scared to cause a shift. I wanted to appear unaffected and unchallenged by it. I wanted to appear like anyone but me. In efforts to not lose you, I started to lose me.

Missed moments and looking back on them. My specialty. In spite of you trying to retract it, I wish to go back to when you uttered the three words in a hard breath and hit reply with the same three words so fast that I almost cut you off. But not with a ‘too’ at the end because my love isn’t dependent. I love you because I love you. Not because you sent it first but because I have images of you all day. Your chest that was built for my head. When I’m on my toes. How could I be without your arms. Embrace. Squeeze. Your cunning remarks that make mine seem ordinary. Your single brow-lift to indicate misbehavior from me. The feeling of your eyes on me when I look away.

You told me you weren’t supposed to feel this way. That this isn’t what you were looking for. I know this. You said this from day one. The idea of casual relationships isn’t a novel idea. When was the last time someone refreshingly expressed that they were looking for a relationship. My first reaction is to console you. To let you know that you’re understandably equivolcal. But my heart scolds you. Get over it. Deal. Things change. You changed. Besides, you’re taking away my speech. That’s my line. I’m the one who’s supposed to remain a solo sexy stranger. Be the cool aunt. Be the cause of uneven table seating. I don’t imagine wedding details. I don’t mark anniversaries. I don’t have children’s names picked out. I don’t want a backyard. But I do want to find out what could happen with you.

I love you enough to tell you that you should try living all the lives you want to. That I’d stand by you. That I’d wait. That this is how I define love. No terms, no deadlines, no geographical requisites. But I’m vain. Pride, the purest form of vanity and I’m a victim. But I don’t completely reprimand pride. It is my pride that kept me from pursuing guys that weren’t good for me. It is my pride that kept me from foolishly giving it all away to someone undeserved. It is my pride that has kept me from telling you that you have been to me unlike anyone else. But now, I’d rather let go of my pride than let go of you.

Who knows what could happen. You could win the lotto and become a fisherman alongside Andy Dufrane. I’ll get an occasional post card from you with no return address. But you’ll check into Internet cafes and glance at my blog and see that I got it. I could win the lotto and blow it all on shoes and ├ęclairs and be forced to be go back to waitricing and meet another light handsome stranger. I can safely say his won’t be with milk.

But for now there are still so many movies to be late to. So many reservations to make. So many drunken sex-less nights to make up for in the morning. So many channels to switch. So many debates on who’ll get the water. So many trips to save up for. So many cab rides to kiss in. So many kitchens to fight in. So many I love you’s, I hate you’s. So many more talks like this.


Thanks for the tea,
Candy