Beat you...and me
Some people break their own hearts so that the other person can't beat them to it.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Monday, July 11, 2005
Wonder Wheel
I went on a Ferris Wheel for the first time this past weekend, correction, Wonder Wheel, at least that's what it's called at Coney Island. When I was younger, I refused to spend my time and money on that slow, unexciting ride when there were countless other more exhilirating, risky, faster rides. Yesterday, the ferris ride felt too quick.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Mind's Eye
We ran into each other on the streets on a rare quiet day in New York City. Some years have passed. Necessary experiences like trips, jobs, maybe even life in other places and life with other people have passed. Both have a busy agenda for the day but will take this chance encounter as a fortuitous opportunity to have a cup of tea. Will rings be worn? Will kids names be exchanged? Or, will tea end with a walk along Central Park? Will new emails have to be exchanged?
My thoughts are not clear but my mind's eye is.
We ran into each other on the streets on a rare quiet day in New York City. Some years have passed. Necessary experiences like trips, jobs, maybe even life in other places and life with other people have passed. Both have a busy agenda for the day but will take this chance encounter as a fortuitous opportunity to have a cup of tea. Will rings be worn? Will kids names be exchanged? Or, will tea end with a walk along Central Park? Will new emails have to be exchanged?
My thoughts are not clear but my mind's eye is.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Committed
In only a month a routine has been established. I have morning coffee people, three in fact, a gal needs options, the street vendor, "Joe," the sweet lady at Au Bon Pain and the punk kid at Starbucks (saying 'punk kid' ages me, doesn't it?). Then, there's the Metro New York free paper guy at the base of the subway. Upon arriving to work, Ray awaits, the 68 year old flirting security guard and finally, Alexandra, the always-on-the-phone but buoyant greeter receptionist, who finally stopped calling me Cindy.
By the time I get to my desk, I have smiled and greeted almost a handful of people. These are the people I will see most during the week. These are potentially the people I can rely on seeing for a long time. So long as no one quits, finds a new street corner, gets fired, decide to stock the morning paper in a news bin, retire, or start telemarketing, I am in a commited relationship. A good one too. There are no conflicts and I would bet that it stays problem-free, perhaps I could have a chat with Joe and the amount of sugar he puts in a "regular," but aside from that, they will always be there for me. I just wonder if they're seeing other people.
In only a month a routine has been established. I have morning coffee people, three in fact, a gal needs options, the street vendor, "Joe," the sweet lady at Au Bon Pain and the punk kid at Starbucks (saying 'punk kid' ages me, doesn't it?). Then, there's the Metro New York free paper guy at the base of the subway. Upon arriving to work, Ray awaits, the 68 year old flirting security guard and finally, Alexandra, the always-on-the-phone but buoyant greeter receptionist, who finally stopped calling me Cindy.
By the time I get to my desk, I have smiled and greeted almost a handful of people. These are the people I will see most during the week. These are potentially the people I can rely on seeing for a long time. So long as no one quits, finds a new street corner, gets fired, decide to stock the morning paper in a news bin, retire, or start telemarketing, I am in a commited relationship. A good one too. There are no conflicts and I would bet that it stays problem-free, perhaps I could have a chat with Joe and the amount of sugar he puts in a "regular," but aside from that, they will always be there for me. I just wonder if they're seeing other people.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Talking is Overrated
Girls are always telling each other to communicate more to the boys, "tell him how you feel," "express your concern," "be open and honest with him." Ummm...okay, that all sounds fair...but here's my thought, don't. I know they say that guys need directness, that they can't read between the lines. They read the text, they don't analyze it. Are we sure? They seem to get a lot of other subtext.
"I have an early day tomorrow" after a one off translates to
"thank you for services rendered, please watch your step on your way out" and that message is seems to always be well-received as they're getting dressed.
Even when they ask for you phone number and you turn it around with, 'Why don't you give me yours." It's palpable by the look on their face that they get that it was a polite let down.
And certainly when it's positive feedback, they get it. "Would you like to come up for tea?" Yeah, they get that they're getting it.
"Meet my parents," whether or not they want to get it, they get that things are advancing.
So you see, they aren't as dense and oblivious as we believe. Why is it that we can make a mere sggestion to guys on certain matters and they completely comprehend and in other cases, they need it print, even braile? So, it's not that I'm passive or inexpressive, it's that I assume they get it.
Girls are always telling each other to communicate more to the boys, "tell him how you feel," "express your concern," "be open and honest with him." Ummm...okay, that all sounds fair...but here's my thought, don't. I know they say that guys need directness, that they can't read between the lines. They read the text, they don't analyze it. Are we sure? They seem to get a lot of other subtext.
"I have an early day tomorrow" after a one off translates to
"thank you for services rendered, please watch your step on your way out" and that message is seems to always be well-received as they're getting dressed.
Even when they ask for you phone number and you turn it around with, 'Why don't you give me yours." It's palpable by the look on their face that they get that it was a polite let down.
And certainly when it's positive feedback, they get it. "Would you like to come up for tea?" Yeah, they get that they're getting it.
"Meet my parents," whether or not they want to get it, they get that things are advancing.
So you see, they aren't as dense and oblivious as we believe. Why is it that we can make a mere sggestion to guys on certain matters and they completely comprehend and in other cases, they need it print, even braile? So, it's not that I'm passive or inexpressive, it's that I assume they get it.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Clarity
The moment of clarity hits for me when they go to the bathroom. I lay there waiting for the one I was with to return...then it hits, I have only a few minutes to decide whether or not to scurry around for the bra, pull the hair back, lace up and arrange his clothes neatly where he would be laying if it weren't for his clothes tipping him to get dressed, or to fluff the pillow and lay invitingly. A lot can happen while a guy takes a wizz.
The moment of clarity hits for me when they go to the bathroom. I lay there waiting for the one I was with to return...then it hits, I have only a few minutes to decide whether or not to scurry around for the bra, pull the hair back, lace up and arrange his clothes neatly where he would be laying if it weren't for his clothes tipping him to get dressed, or to fluff the pillow and lay invitingly. A lot can happen while a guy takes a wizz.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Post-its
The girl in the cubicle next to me has a planned parenthood appointment next week and has hired a dog-walker. I can hear all her calls. Thus far, work has been not much work. I think they forgot about me. I feel like Ron Livingston in Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. I have 42 pads of post-its. How many do you have?
They say to enjoy the honeymoon period. Eventually they'll find their way through the labyrinth of an office and conquer the maze of cubes to find me...with a cup between my ear and the carpeted partition listening to my neighbor call her vet.
The girl in the cubicle next to me has a planned parenthood appointment next week and has hired a dog-walker. I can hear all her calls. Thus far, work has been not much work. I think they forgot about me. I feel like Ron Livingston in Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. I have 42 pads of post-its. How many do you have?
They say to enjoy the honeymoon period. Eventually they'll find their way through the labyrinth of an office and conquer the maze of cubes to find me...with a cup between my ear and the carpeted partition listening to my neighbor call her vet.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Apron for Sale
Trading in the tray for a desktop. I start in a week. It's advertising.
Okay, okay, I'm pretty excited. It's been a grueling process. The past two months have been rough. Job-searching= soul-searching. Countless interviews. Same suit over and over. Insomnia. Budgeting. Stress. I feel like I'm allowed to exhale now. I wasn't allowed before, they don't allow it at the restaurant.
Trading in the tray for a desktop. I start in a week. It's advertising.
Okay, okay, I'm pretty excited. It's been a grueling process. The past two months have been rough. Job-searching= soul-searching. Countless interviews. Same suit over and over. Insomnia. Budgeting. Stress. I feel like I'm allowed to exhale now. I wasn't allowed before, they don't allow it at the restaurant.
Pride and Pride
Realization: the purest form of vanity is pride. It is the most image-concious attribute that can discourage or prevent you from acting desirably. It serves as a protector from risking being disappointed, hurt or rejected. It prevails upon insecurity. It's prevalent in me.
For a long time, I prided myself on my pride. I'm starting to re-evaluate things. Perhaps, it has kept me from true expression, from honesty, from living life. I'm not old, but I'm not young. I need to be me. This means taking risks. Wow, at 26 after-school specials are now being learned.
Realization: the purest form of vanity is pride. It is the most image-concious attribute that can discourage or prevent you from acting desirably. It serves as a protector from risking being disappointed, hurt or rejected. It prevails upon insecurity. It's prevalent in me.
For a long time, I prided myself on my pride. I'm starting to re-evaluate things. Perhaps, it has kept me from true expression, from honesty, from living life. I'm not old, but I'm not young. I need to be me. This means taking risks. Wow, at 26 after-school specials are now being learned.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Brightside
I fear that I'm on the brink of a mini-crisis with this job thing, or the lack thereof. Thus, I will remind myself of things to be happy about.
My friends in New York, all two of them. My coffee grinder, it's been with me since college sophomore year. Another thing I've had since college is my nasty habit of smoking and I'm happy to report that for the first time I've cut down. Expanded musical taste. Good Chicken Cacciatore. Free Jamba Juice coupon. Good hair color, finally found a hair dye I like.
Silver lining everywhere.
I fear that I'm on the brink of a mini-crisis with this job thing, or the lack thereof. Thus, I will remind myself of things to be happy about.
My friends in New York, all two of them. My coffee grinder, it's been with me since college sophomore year. Another thing I've had since college is my nasty habit of smoking and I'm happy to report that for the first time I've cut down. Expanded musical taste. Good Chicken Cacciatore. Free Jamba Juice coupon. Good hair color, finally found a hair dye I like.
Silver lining everywhere.
Job Search
This sucks. I'm think I'm close to taking the very next job offer just to put an end to this. I cannot revise my resume for the umpteenth time. I cannot go through another interview. I cannot put that same suit on again. I cannot keep straightening my hair.
Trying to find a job is like dating. The first interview is the first date, sans cocktails. Awkward, nerve-racking, behaved, proper, unnatural...yep, a first date. Then, both walk away reflecting on the interview and wondering if they should meet again. Was their chemistry? Will they be a good fit? Will they commit? Will they aspire to take the company to the next level? Will they be searching for other jobs while with the company? Will they be easily enticed by other jobs?
Seemingly, everyone is looking for a better job in New York.
This sucks. I'm think I'm close to taking the very next job offer just to put an end to this. I cannot revise my resume for the umpteenth time. I cannot go through another interview. I cannot put that same suit on again. I cannot keep straightening my hair.
Trying to find a job is like dating. The first interview is the first date, sans cocktails. Awkward, nerve-racking, behaved, proper, unnatural...yep, a first date. Then, both walk away reflecting on the interview and wondering if they should meet again. Was their chemistry? Will they be a good fit? Will they commit? Will they aspire to take the company to the next level? Will they be searching for other jobs while with the company? Will they be easily enticed by other jobs?
Seemingly, everyone is looking for a better job in New York.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Good guys are good
Maybe I did turn another year. I believe I'm growing past the bad boy thing. What was once exciting and challenging is now looked at with disdain. I'm realizing that all the lesser nice guys (longer way of saying a$$holes) are just boys with too much insecurity and uncertainty of who they are. Men, on the other hand, know who they are, what they want and treat people as they want to be treated. Simple as that. This goes for women too. Confident women aren't scared to be kind and affectionate to those they like. Now, none of this means that these good people have to start sizing the ring finger but isn't it more fun and MORE challenging to risk a little vulnerability and put yourself out there with sincerity? This is my own rebuttal to my Valentine's entry.
Maybe I did turn another year. I believe I'm growing past the bad boy thing. What was once exciting and challenging is now looked at with disdain. I'm realizing that all the lesser nice guys (longer way of saying a$$holes) are just boys with too much insecurity and uncertainty of who they are. Men, on the other hand, know who they are, what they want and treat people as they want to be treated. Simple as that. This goes for women too. Confident women aren't scared to be kind and affectionate to those they like. Now, none of this means that these good people have to start sizing the ring finger but isn't it more fun and MORE challenging to risk a little vulnerability and put yourself out there with sincerity? This is my own rebuttal to my Valentine's entry.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Realities
It made me laugh out loud. I was watching the Amazing Race, and one of the Road Block challenges were titled, "who loves shoes?" All the couple teams handed it straight to their wives/girlfriends. The gay lesbian team were not fond of the challenge. And the gay male couple both wanted to do it. Turns out the challenge was shoe shining but it was great comical rhythm- no one missed a beat, everyone knows where they stand on their love for shoes.
Perhaps, the the big rage of reality shows is the visibility of stereotypes. Reality shows are supposed to be reflections of reality, not produced thus, any topic that was once shunned are now acceptable. Stereotypes are excused (and probably desired) because of the medium it's presented through. Marshall McLuhan's 'the medium is the message' comes to mind- this is one of the rare moments where what you learned from school is leaping to reality.
It made me laugh out loud. I was watching the Amazing Race, and one of the Road Block challenges were titled, "who loves shoes?" All the couple teams handed it straight to their wives/girlfriends. The gay lesbian team were not fond of the challenge. And the gay male couple both wanted to do it. Turns out the challenge was shoe shining but it was great comical rhythm- no one missed a beat, everyone knows where they stand on their love for shoes.
Perhaps, the the big rage of reality shows is the visibility of stereotypes. Reality shows are supposed to be reflections of reality, not produced thus, any topic that was once shunned are now acceptable. Stereotypes are excused (and probably desired) because of the medium it's presented through. Marshall McLuhan's 'the medium is the message' comes to mind- this is one of the rare moments where what you learned from school is leaping to reality.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Sand is overrated, they're just tiny little rocks
An event bigger than the super-bowl, red sox vs. yankees world series, tour de france, princess diana and prince charles' wedding, jen and ben's breakup, jen and brad's separation, combined, is all over. The 2005 Oscars are done. Sadly, my two fave films of the year, Closer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, weren't very recognized. They were amongst my fave for the following lines/quotes/zingers/taglines/what have you...(above quote from Eternal Sunshine...)
- If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking. (Closer)
-I love her because she doesn't need me. (Closer)
-Don't say it! Don't you fucking say "you're too good for me" I am, but don't say it. (Closer)
-Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. (Eternal Sunshine...)
-Are we the couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-McRomance. Want some fries with that? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-...I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. (Eternal Sunshine...)
An event bigger than the super-bowl, red sox vs. yankees world series, tour de france, princess diana and prince charles' wedding, jen and ben's breakup, jen and brad's separation, combined, is all over. The 2005 Oscars are done. Sadly, my two fave films of the year, Closer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, weren't very recognized. They were amongst my fave for the following lines/quotes/zingers/taglines/what have you...(above quote from Eternal Sunshine...)
- If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking. (Closer)
-I love her because she doesn't need me. (Closer)
-Don't say it! Don't you fucking say "you're too good for me" I am, but don't say it. (Closer)
-Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. (Eternal Sunshine...)
-Are we the couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-McRomance. Want some fries with that? (Eternal Sunshine...)
-...I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. (Eternal Sunshine...)
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Near-sided
I lost my glasses. I can't find 'em anywhere. I've looked in every nook and cranny of this apartment, all two of them. Where could they be? No, where the hell are they?
Something about me, I never lose things...ever. I've been known to be a little uptight with my shit. Rather than letting it go or postponing the search, I'm handicapped from doing anything...until I find my glasses. I'm starting to recognize it as a flaw in me. It prevents me from moving forward, I could draw a parallel here of how I can't look ahead to the future and the depth of my vision is limited to the present but I won't because I can't think or eat, moreover watch American Idol until I find my glasses. I thought taking a moment to pound away at the keyboard would help but nope, as I type I'm looking around for another nook.
missing: red thick framed glasses with the two most important initials in the American alphabet on the side hinge, "cc"
I lost my glasses. I can't find 'em anywhere. I've looked in every nook and cranny of this apartment, all two of them. Where could they be? No, where the hell are they?
Something about me, I never lose things...ever. I've been known to be a little uptight with my shit. Rather than letting it go or postponing the search, I'm handicapped from doing anything...until I find my glasses. I'm starting to recognize it as a flaw in me. It prevents me from moving forward, I could draw a parallel here of how I can't look ahead to the future and the depth of my vision is limited to the present but I won't because I can't think or eat, moreover watch American Idol until I find my glasses. I thought taking a moment to pound away at the keyboard would help but nope, as I type I'm looking around for another nook.
missing: red thick framed glasses with the two most important initials in the American alphabet on the side hinge, "cc"
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