Tuesday, April 11, 2006


I thought he would have called that night, for sure. Then when he didn't, I thought he would have called the next day, for sure. Then I thought yesterday, for sure. And now the weekend is over and I can't figure out what's upsetting me more, the issue or not hearing from him.

Sometimes I wish he would undermine my words, actions, insecurities. Make light of it by reaching out, chaffing me, while trying to wrap around his arms around my squirmish body. Sure, initially, I'd ask how he dared laugh at my feelings but then his soft smile would strike me deeper and I'd laugh back, shaking my head. Because after all is said and done, fights usually make the issue larger than it was.

Women screw things up by the way they manage their anger not why they are angry. The walk out is a no-no, I know this but in those moments it appears to be the only option. Yes, it's a scene maker but I guarantee sticking around would have been a bigger episode. It's easy to call the girl who got up in the middle of dinner and left irrational, erratic or, the ever so popular, dramatic. That may be so but what pushed her to that point is usually justified, understandable and even expected. Unfortunately, in spite of all those supportive defenses, it results as being unacceptable because the last impression was her misbehavior. I wish I knew how to release my frustrations maturely so that I can make a point without having to apologize first. When a point has to first be prefaced with an apology both are weakened. "I'm sorry but I...". The 'but' conjunction is a cross cancellation to both sentiments. The apology isn't that heartfelt and the point lost some of its importance.

Scene: bar. I don't care to be a part of a couple that is stuck by the sides with their legs crossed the same direction, fingers locked for extra reinforcement. However, I do not care to be a part of a couple that socializes with everyone but each other either. I like you, why wouldn't I talk to you? I feel like there are red lazers weaved between us. Steer clear of one another and navigate around the beams to get to others so that you please the crowd. I want to naturally chat, not run for office. I suppose it would be a waste of time hobnobing with your running mate, their vote is already locked down. Other than hopeful election candidates, it's acceptable for married people. When they get together with friends they seldom mix with each other, 'we live together, we see each other all the time.' All valid. But I'm not married. I'm in a relationship. A good one too. One that I want wouldn't mind displaying in between drinks.