Cold but Warm

It is too cold. So cold that you actually feel brain freeze, like you just took a big gulp of slurpee. It's like pins and needles all over your body. It's hard to even crack a smile, your face is too numb. Your hands are too frozen to make a fist, but if you're able to make a fist, it'll stay that way. And your ears? Fuggedaboutit.

What do people in New York do during these months? Especially if you didn't do your homework in the fall and never found a winter-mate. Thus far, my solutions are: Netflix, downloading tunes, ordering from the Szchewan Palace and calling friends back in sunny Cali. *sigh* Luckily this time around, I have my sunny, l.a. buddy here with me. Again, lucky for me but not so lucky for her. Poor gal, we've been had 4 hour days of sun, and 8 hours nights of grim darkness. Let's just say, it's been a lot of Hunan Palace and major q. t. Sure, it wasn't the ideal time to come as far as sightseeing, activities, and more importanly, shopping, however by being snowed in, we got to gab away the way we used to in college during all nighters for finals. Except, this time, there were no books involved. Maybe blizzards aren't always so terrible.

The Yummy 5

1) John Stewart
2) James Spader
3) Clive Owen
4) Jamie Foxx
5) Jason Bateman
honorable mention: Kiefer Sutherland (Jack Bauer, mmm mmm mmm)

Sure enough...

it's all happening. Every song reminds you of him. Every story somehow relates back. His favorite foods are on the menu. His car is everywhere. His smell is at the bars.

Sure enough, everything reminds you of him. Even the furthest stretch. "That'll be $30 miss." "OMG, he's 30!" "Here's you water, miss." "OMG, he drinks water." "Those are some nice jeans, Candy." "OMG, his ______..."

And this is supposed to be the fun part...

I wonder

Usually when I'm sad , it's because someone hurt me. This is new because I feel sad but for the exact opposite reason. He was kind, affectionate and it all felt sincere. I wonder if he questions my sincerity because of our start. I wonder if he doubts what I've expressed. I wonder for how long he'll wonder about me.

I wonder who actually makes these things work, especially if there's a continent between them. It makes me sad to realize the inevitable and recognize this as what it will be, a lovely memory.

Good things

It was good. No, it was great. It was 5 years in 5 days. It was back to high-school and college. It was all those cliches: we get each other, I didn't even have to say, there's something there, instant connection, et al. It was pretty neat...*sigh*

I've missed you...

Oh blog, how I've missed you. I haven't meant to neglect you, I've just been busy... wow, I don't think I've ever uttered that phrase before. It's true, I'm never really that busy and so I thought I'd give it try since, those that are 'always busy' seem to always 'feel good about working out,' be 'advancing in their career,' and are 'keeping their mind off boys/girls.' I came, I saw, I left...it just wasn't for me. The later part of the year was a bit non-stop: to school, to the office and to the restaurant, my quiet time of the day was on the subway. I returned to California, to escape to the dreadful start of winter in New York and for a little r & r. I'ts been nice. Real nice.

At 25, and as a new year begins I've come to know a few things about me. I'm not very involved in....anything. I don't own a gym membership and I'll probably sit this year out too. I don't make more than one plan per night. Sometimes I let who's hosting SNL decide whether or not I'll go out on a Saturday night. I don't fly in on Sunday nights to go back into work on Mondays. 'Running errands' on the weekends usually means looking for some obscure building holding a sample sale. I like watching people do yoga. I watch directors' commentaries. I don't eat lunch at the desk, if I am, I'm surfing through entertainment sites or flipping through W mag.

The past few months were rewarding in a productive way, however, I find satisfaction in being able to write a blog entry. As the new year begins, I'm going to go try and go back to smelling roses, as soon as they bloom in New York.

Numb

First month was saddening. Second month was depressing. Third month was insanity. And now, at the fourth month, I'm numb. Yep, I'm starting to forget how it is. And now I'm wondering if it's changed.

life is fair

It is assumed that a relationship, by nature, is restrictive. As part of a duo, one must ignore temptations and repress certain desires. One must even regularly consult, confirm and coordinate with their other. However, I would like to recognize the repressions of not being in a relationship.

Lately, my friends have been calling frequently with tales of romantic woes. Their love quarrels got me to realize that I don't recall the last time I had drama with a fellow. At the outset, one might consider this to be a good thing. I suppose. Unforunately, that can't be an absolute sentiment. I realize that what I'm about to say proves all theories about what a total girl a girl can be but I can't fight the ideology. I miss the drama. I haven't reached a level of intimacy and closeness with a guy deep enough for me to sincerely express my true thoughts, feelings and so on. It takes a while before two people can pass the, what I term, 'polite period,' or 'courtesy conversation.'

Thus, there are repressions in a single gal's life. Even for those that are dating. Until you are in that elusive, exclusive situation with another, there are certain releases that are restricted until further notice. All is fair in love and no love.

Scrubs to the Garden State

Zach Braff, I see big plans for his future. The Garden State- one of the best ways I've spent a Saturday night in a long while. Yep, even better than last weekend's Chapelle marathon. I'm going to have to start watching Scrubs now.

Fall 2004 Schedule

What if I end up serving one of my students a milkshake? What if I am an intern with them? ...

I've been back in NY for almost 3 weeks and in that time I've discovered a way to make money, hone my public speaking skills, all hopefully without any spills (sometimes I think the rhymes help). Waitricing in a fast paced diner (where the wait staff waits to be discovered by some acting/modeling agent), teaching a course in public relations (talk about 'those who can't do teach') and interning for the PR group with what I believe to be mecca, the Gucci Group.

I've come to accept that the perfect job is unattainable for me right now. Rather, the perfect combination will have to suffice. Am I excited? You bet your ass. Coffee Shop has a cool vibe, Marymount Manhattan College is close to home and Gucci not made in Seoul, Korea all tickle my fancy. Am I scared? You bet your ass I am. Waitricing is hard work, hard work that I haven't done since...*scratch forehead* hmmm...I'm sure there was a time. I'm also scared of entering a classroom where the students are wondering if I should be a part of the class rather than in front of it and most importanly, I'm worried that my coach bag will be frowned upon at Gucci.

*Exhale* I just hope that I don't show up to class with an apron on.

New York> San Francisco> San Diego> Los Angeles> Las Vegas> San Francisco> Los Angeles and finally back to New York
 
At glance, the legs of this tour could pass for a rock star.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Hillary Duff and Ashlee Simpson were jealous…and they should be.

What happened this summer and what didn’t?

Playing poker while drinking mint tea while listening to Erasure while watching the Simpsons is something I didn’t get to do. 
Climbing the corporate ladder is something I did get to do yet, I ended up jobless.
I tried to make a New York friend in San Francisco.
Although, I did get to go sunning…I went tanning too ;)

In sum, I am a 25 year old who had the summer of an 18 year old which means lots of fun in the sun, clubs and bars, seeing hometown friends and making new ones.  It also means that I have the checking account of an 18 year old but some things are just worth it.

I wish I could graciously thank those individuals that provided me with comfort and security by letting me know that they’ll always be there for the rough times and, clearly, the good times.  This is all I can say:

Hwangsta + La Scala + = text message delights (did we really go speed dating???)
Skims: you, me, Marlboros, jamba (someone should tell us that we’re not Winona and Ethan) plus men’s nikes + knitted camis + boxers + Togos= laughing and lagging. 
J.So- thanks for the Japanese delectables but you should know that I go there for a certain Korean delectable *yum* C. Factory wing women unite! (then split ;)
Bobo- Fine, fine, fine…board games aren’t gay.  Only a true friend pulls pork. Thanks for the shopping (bag).
Jeanette: did you notice that I was gone?  I’m not at the loft, not at the beach, I’m not even at the Bruin bookstore.  Hey, thank your mom for the blanket.
Lora, the olsen sisters never looked so good in a box...prolly never shat so much either.
Karen- you got wasted and I piggy’d your ass to hail a cab…I’d bet I’d have to walk less for a yellow car in NY ;)
Lisa- good arm you got there.  Two girls in Marc Jacobs batting around, that’s golden.

So, now I’m back…contrary to popular belief, I truly am.  I know I’m back because I can’t tell if I’m dripping sweat or rain.  It’s hot, it’s humid, it’s Korea.  Damn, there must be something about this place to keep me from all my hussies, I hope I find whatever it is soon, otherwise, “Candy’s home part XXIV” in the not too distant future.

I Heart NY...and SF

They say New Yorkers feel like they're going to fall off the face of this earth if they leave the island...I felt that when I left for California.

I've been basking in the wind-shielded Cali sunshine for almost a month- it'll be over a month when I finally return. Yes, I am returning. I am.

They also say that you can never go back home, I don't get that. I'm not sure if it's the comfortable weather, smoking while driving, lower marlboro and starbucks prices, mom's jji-geh's, brothers dvd collection, old friends to talk about new boys with or simply the feeling of home but it's certainly been good to be back. So good that I forgot I fell off.

However, as much as I have enjoyed the past few weeks, so much in fact that I'm still here, ny is my home and I can't wait to go back...just how humid is humid?

Blind Leading the Blind

I was walking on Prince Street in SoHo behind a blind couple today. They were walking side by side and they walked towards a cafe. The blind man sped up and opened the door, the blind woman walked through then, he kept the door open for me to walk though. When they were led to their table, he pulled out her chair and she sat down then, he sat down. It was a sight to see.

fake it or take it

I never got why girls would fake an orgasm. In doing so, you lead your partner to believe that whatever he is doing is working; you perpetuate the unrewarding performance. But then there's this...if you don't fake it, the brutality persists. By faking it. you put an end to it. I guess it's kind of like giving candy to a kid to shut them up, not the suggested discipline but quick and effective.

Life: family, friends, school, job and, oh yeah, boys.

A hiatus from the blog is a good thing, it means that I'm living my life rather than writing about it...so I hope. As usual, the absence for the past month means that some stuff actually happened.

Let's see...mom came into town, we ate, slept, shopped, yelled, popped into a graduation, oh yeah, graduation happened. "How was it?" you ask? Don't know, I fell asleep...so did mom...it's on tape...a shot of me with my cap in my lap and the sound of momma Jun breathing peaccefully. Some highlights of her trip: she kept swiping the Metro Card and then stood still, waiting for the metal bar to rise- people behind her weren't so kind at those moments. Took her to a couple of shmancy resaurants and her favorite eat in NY was pizza. Instead of lighting a candle at St. Pat's, she blew one out. Finally, in the middle of the night she got up and went downstairs and asked the people outside the bar to please quiet down...and they did. Good things...

What else? Got a gig in a restaurant. Yep, now I really do it all, I serve, I shake, I pour, I carry, I've spilled, I've fallen, I've broken (glasses)...I'm the hostess with the mostess. And to think, my college advisor thought it not be crucial to go back to school. Mom's really proud too,

"So now, you have a masters?"
"Yes."
"And now you work in a restaurant?"
"Yes."
"You're not coming back home, are you?"
"No."
"Yes." *grin*

You know, I hate posts like these where it feels more like a laundry list of past events but then, if I don't memo the highlights (yes, sadly these are the highlights) then, well, all I've written about is boys and 1o years from now I'd like to be able to reflect on other aspects of my life. So, what more non-boy related events or thoughts could I blab about? Hmmm... Great, now I have writers block. I fold.

The question of if I have met anyone in NY is a common one when talking to girlfriends back home and in light of my upcoming visit back home, it's a question that I will inevitably face. It's sad, right? I've been living in The City of the world for almost a year. I've finished school. I'm on the brink on initiating a career. Yet, it is the only guaranteed question. So then, perhaps, girls perpetuate each other's stresses and heartaches about boys. I think I will return and ask my friends who have bf's how they are individually instead of asking how their relationship is?" Then, maybe I'll ask my single girlfriends about their jobs, atkins and new hot spots...so that we can go meet some boys *roll eyes*. I fold.

"grrr..."

I hate the people who:

- feed the pigeons at Washington Square Park, it's so gross
-walk on the left side on a crowded sidewalk
-believe that a stroller allows them free reign over the city
-grab the pole right by the door on the subway during rush hour
-ALWAYS forgets my coke from the Chinese delivery restaurant
-print out a hundred pages at the print center, and I'm after them
-ask me for a light at a crosswalk when it's time to walk
-shout obscenities at the people who shout obscenities at Union Square
-live right above me for laughing so loud every late Thursday night from a night of drinking, especially when I'm sitting here doing this.

Finally, I hate finals week.

Once in a Blue Moon, there is an Eternal Sunshine

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind just clicked for me. No, this is not a film review- I decided long ago that I would not engage in that practice because 1) it could end up dominating the blog 2) no desires to feign a critic 3) I'm not good at it- I read other reviews and they always sway my opinion.

Saturday late afternoon, cloudy out, and no sample sales so, I went to see a movie. One ticket, one medium popcorn, one small soda and Goobers= $21.50. Bright side-I snatched a good seat in spite of late arrival- that's the perk in solo movie attendance. Dim side- commercials have become part of the trailer sequence.

I was hesitant to see a Charlie Kaufmann piece (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) for he often leaves me befuddled. The 'think outside the box' always felt like a cop out. It's too passive, agressive. There are no rules or boundaries thus allowing endless open interpretations yet, a lucid vision from the artist persists. No, tell me what you mean and I'll agree or disagree. But Sunshine poignantly translates idylls into reality, and vice versa, by taking you on a ride of life, love and fate. And that's what it is. It is about the ride, not how it ends, who marries, or if they live happily ever after. In his romanticized sci-fi fashion, he illustrates how it's not the results that matter but the journey. A bit clicheic? Perhaps, but what if you knew that a certain love could end would you still go through with it? I mean, have we ever been in a relationship that didn't end? Sunshine approaches this love clutch with the challenging ideology of truly living in the present with no bear in mind of the future yet, knowing that you will want to retain the memories.

"I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for a piece of her own mind."
-Clementine

Ah-ma, Ah-pa

I actually miss them... a lot.


Christmas 2003

Smile, child

In a city where grimaces are prevalent and normal, someone asked me to smile today. While sitting at the park sipping a chai latte, an elderly black man innocuously approached me, propped his cane on the bench and took a seat. He asked me if I rode the subway. I warily nodded. He told me that I had to shake off the negative energy that roams the underground. T'is true, the subway can be a languid place. Eye contacts are scarce and you can forget about smiles. Now, I'm not exactly your 'turn that frown upside down' kind of gal but sometimes I do wonder if my daily commute would be less oppressive if friendlier simpers prevailed. He mutters, "today's young people don't know how to be happy." I had no rebuttal. My silence was agreement. The tortured soul/the world owes me/I'm going to eat some worms attitude is very in for my generation. As I gathered my things and got up to leave, I turned towards him and flashed the biggest smile I could and told him to have a nice day. He responds, "now go do that around the city." I nod, I pivot, my lips meet, cheeks settle and eyes sit, back to stoic. It's a work in progress...

Vices

Past habits: Chewing gum constantly. Smoking. Vicodin. Splitting split ends. Putting a song on repeat. Swabbing my belly. Looking both ways on a one way street (I said habit thus, not conscious). Running 30-60 minutes late. Eating late at night. Finishing a paper moments before its deadline. Screening calls. Calling my mom back days later. Cooking dinner (microwave counts).

Current habits: Chewing gum only after a smoke (which is still a constant). Putting a CD on repeat. Plucking my hairless lids. Walking on DON'T WALK. Tardy by only 10-15 minutes. Eating after clubs/bars. Proofreading papers the night before. Returning calls. Picking up my mom's call every night. Ordering food in.

I guess it evens out.