In a heartbeat
The swift ability to have a change of heart always amazed me. Most break ups aren't premediated and planned for an appropriate gradual departure. Sure, in hindsight people are always saying: "I knew it was coming," or "I was just waiting for the right time," or "we were having problems." But recall where things were at the week before or perhaps even the night before. The relationship probably persisted as it normally did (take-home dinner, falling asleep to the movie, sex-less sleepover) and then days or hours later, you're broken up.
While I haven't been in a commited situation for...over five years now, I understand the ability to have a change of heart. I was scrolling through my blog and I cannot believe some of the dates. One week I'm gushing about a boy's musical talents then the next week, I'm giddy about some bartender. Honestly, I didn't realize it, honestly. And in a way, that was nice, to be blissfully ignorant. These days, I fear that I may be too aware, too realisitc. My girls and I are always throwing around the phrase, "keep it real," it's starting to spoil things. I know that most things will end because...well...everything in the past has ended but it was nice when that wasn't a reality.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Happy Valentines Day
My best friend and I cracked the code, the meaning of life, the riddle of the sphinx, the Davinci Code...and the answer is this, if you want to be chased, wined, dined and loved by men, treat them exactly the opposite of what you want, treat them like shit.
So, on this Valentine's Day, we were listing some of the sweeter, grander, unforgettable gestures by the past men in our lives. ALL were done in reaction to some of our colder disdained moments.
- I was seeing this guy who always put me second, or third, or twelfth, and during this time I took off for a month without much notice of when I'd be back. "I miss my family and friends, I'll be back." I came home to flowers and a looooong letter.
- She was seeing this guy who wasn't making much of an effort and she ended up meeting someone else. He learned of this and invited her over for some wine and dine.
-There was this guy I poitely said no to for a date. Every time I said no, the events of the date got bigger, from coffee to dinner and a show, a broadway show no less.
-By the last month of the year long relationship with my boyfriend in college, there were no more dates, just 'hanging out,' the sex had dwindled and romance had died. I met someone else and went on a date. I came home to a mixed CD at my doorstep (don't laugh, the mixed CD was the thing to do back then).
This is immature, unhealthy and simply, unkind. Now, once we receive these sweet somethings, can we go to them? No, because it wasn't extended from the right motives. Besides, isn't this what they mean by 'playing games'? Don't we want to be in a situation where our kinder gestures are returned with similar expressions? And what about treating your neighbors how you would want to be treated? Newsflash, men are not your neighbors.
I really hope this is an entry I will look back on and wish I didn't write.
My best friend and I cracked the code, the meaning of life, the riddle of the sphinx, the Davinci Code...and the answer is this, if you want to be chased, wined, dined and loved by men, treat them exactly the opposite of what you want, treat them like shit.
So, on this Valentine's Day, we were listing some of the sweeter, grander, unforgettable gestures by the past men in our lives. ALL were done in reaction to some of our colder disdained moments.
- I was seeing this guy who always put me second, or third, or twelfth, and during this time I took off for a month without much notice of when I'd be back. "I miss my family and friends, I'll be back." I came home to flowers and a looooong letter.
- She was seeing this guy who wasn't making much of an effort and she ended up meeting someone else. He learned of this and invited her over for some wine and dine.
-There was this guy I poitely said no to for a date. Every time I said no, the events of the date got bigger, from coffee to dinner and a show, a broadway show no less.
-By the last month of the year long relationship with my boyfriend in college, there were no more dates, just 'hanging out,' the sex had dwindled and romance had died. I met someone else and went on a date. I came home to a mixed CD at my doorstep (don't laugh, the mixed CD was the thing to do back then).
This is immature, unhealthy and simply, unkind. Now, once we receive these sweet somethings, can we go to them? No, because it wasn't extended from the right motives. Besides, isn't this what they mean by 'playing games'? Don't we want to be in a situation where our kinder gestures are returned with similar expressions? And what about treating your neighbors how you would want to be treated? Newsflash, men are not your neighbors.
I really hope this is an entry I will look back on and wish I didn't write.
"Shhh"
The couple entries following this one is from the other week and I hesitated posting it because it sounded like a potential set up for failure. But then I realized that if I concerned myself with this every time I went to write a gleeful entry and didn't, I'd have a blank olive green blog. Not exactly a bestseller.
So, I did even after what was discovered this past weekend. An ending already? Well, to be honest, with my track record it wouldn't be an 'already' situation, at about a couple months, it has surpassed most 'situations.'
Okay, back to 'is it an ending?'...I'm not sure. Here's my problem. I have a philosophy on the discussion of relationships, don't discuss it. I know that there comes a time when it's hard to abstain from the subject but until that far and away time, shun it. If two people are aimed towards something significant, then I believe it will happen it due time. Prematurely talking about it sets up expectations and responsibilites. Conversely, if it's meant to be casual, then let it be. I mean, after all, having a talk like this isn't exactly light and fun.
I know that some may argue me on this and say that communication is important and that it's wiser to know where the other stands from the start. Perhaps. However, there's this. By telling someone that you're not looking for something serious, it spoils getting to know each other naturally, ironically the fun part. For so long, I've heard AND said, "I'm just looking to have a good time, to get to know people, to enjoy myself..." I don't want to say it or hear it anymore. On this subject, just "shhh..."
The couple entries following this one is from the other week and I hesitated posting it because it sounded like a potential set up for failure. But then I realized that if I concerned myself with this every time I went to write a gleeful entry and didn't, I'd have a blank olive green blog. Not exactly a bestseller.
So, I did even after what was discovered this past weekend. An ending already? Well, to be honest, with my track record it wouldn't be an 'already' situation, at about a couple months, it has surpassed most 'situations.'
Okay, back to 'is it an ending?'...I'm not sure. Here's my problem. I have a philosophy on the discussion of relationships, don't discuss it. I know that there comes a time when it's hard to abstain from the subject but until that far and away time, shun it. If two people are aimed towards something significant, then I believe it will happen it due time. Prematurely talking about it sets up expectations and responsibilites. Conversely, if it's meant to be casual, then let it be. I mean, after all, having a talk like this isn't exactly light and fun.
I know that some may argue me on this and say that communication is important and that it's wiser to know where the other stands from the start. Perhaps. However, there's this. By telling someone that you're not looking for something serious, it spoils getting to know each other naturally, ironically the fun part. For so long, I've heard AND said, "I'm just looking to have a good time, to get to know people, to enjoy myself..." I don't want to say it or hear it anymore. On this subject, just "shhh..."
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Punxsutawney Phil wrong???
Good weekend. For starters, we finally got a break. A peek of sun, softer winds, and even some melting snow. I haven't been out and about in the city like this past weekend since fall. New Yorkers truly appreciate a nice day in the middle of winter. The entire city is advantageous of the snow-cleared sidewalks and head to cafes, parks, shopping, with dogs, girlfriends, boyfriends, ladies, homies, solo, et al. With all due respect to Phil's forecast, maybe, just maybe his shadow was off. At least, I hope, really hope.
Had excellent Ukraninan food, saw a great flick, had homeade chocolate, walked the village in cirlces, hugged an elephant on 5th ave, cruised along the East River, made a movie... just to name a few.
Good weekend. For starters, we finally got a break. A peek of sun, softer winds, and even some melting snow. I haven't been out and about in the city like this past weekend since fall. New Yorkers truly appreciate a nice day in the middle of winter. The entire city is advantageous of the snow-cleared sidewalks and head to cafes, parks, shopping, with dogs, girlfriends, boyfriends, ladies, homies, solo, et al. With all due respect to Phil's forecast, maybe, just maybe his shadow was off. At least, I hope, really hope.
Had excellent Ukraninan food, saw a great flick, had homeade chocolate, walked the village in cirlces, hugged an elephant on 5th ave, cruised along the East River, made a movie... just to name a few.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Gazed and Confused
It was just one of those great dates where dinner turned into a movie and the movie turned into hot chocolate and the hot chocolate turned into a drive back home along the FDR and the drive back home turned into a gaze at the Manhattan skyline. Even after the long hiatus, things were able to pick up right where they were left. I should really, I mean really, give New York a shot. Why else did I move out here, right?
But, I'm still listening to Peter Cincotti...on repeat.
It was just one of those great dates where dinner turned into a movie and the movie turned into hot chocolate and the hot chocolate turned into a drive back home along the FDR and the drive back home turned into a gaze at the Manhattan skyline. Even after the long hiatus, things were able to pick up right where they were left. I should really, I mean really, give New York a shot. Why else did I move out here, right?
But, I'm still listening to Peter Cincotti...on repeat.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
CNN to MTV
I tried to watch the state of the union address earlier- I switched to Vh1. I tried to read a brief New York Times article on an update in the middle east- I turned to the Style section. I tried and complete a petition to in response to Hot 97's obscene Tsunami song- I started listening to 97.1.
To that end, one of my new years resolutions is to become more politically aware. Not even active, just aware. I feel hollow. *sigh*
Perhaps, I need to shift my focus. I've been thinking about what it is that I spend most my time thinking about. It comes down to this: jobs, money, friends, family, boys, travel, weather, weekend, sales and boys. Even when I finish reading a book, not much time is spent on reflecting on it. I read, I finish, then I think about what to order in for dinner. Then, in the not too distant future, I come back to the aforementioned list. "I wonder what he's up to. I want a job that pays well, well enough for me to travel or go out on the weekends and not always have to wait for sales." See, I can even string them into one thought.
I tried to watch the state of the union address earlier- I switched to Vh1. I tried to read a brief New York Times article on an update in the middle east- I turned to the Style section. I tried and complete a petition to in response to Hot 97's obscene Tsunami song- I started listening to 97.1.
To that end, one of my new years resolutions is to become more politically aware. Not even active, just aware. I feel hollow. *sigh*
Perhaps, I need to shift my focus. I've been thinking about what it is that I spend most my time thinking about. It comes down to this: jobs, money, friends, family, boys, travel, weather, weekend, sales and boys. Even when I finish reading a book, not much time is spent on reflecting on it. I read, I finish, then I think about what to order in for dinner. Then, in the not too distant future, I come back to the aforementioned list. "I wonder what he's up to. I want a job that pays well, well enough for me to travel or go out on the weekends and not always have to wait for sales." See, I can even string them into one thought.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Dreading Weddings (rhymes/puns, can't resist 'em)
I'm looking at three weddings within the next six months. I'm still not certain on my thoughts on marriage and children but I am leaning towards the no wedding thing. In fact, I'm growing a fondness for eloping- it isn't tacky, it's spontaneously romantic (and efficient). It's a good thing that none of my soon-to-be-married friends read my blog...or anyone for that matter *crickets*.
Nope, I do not want it. No thank you with all the planning, flowering, and dress hunting. Yes, somehow it even managed to take the fun out of dress shopping- it goes from shopping to hunting, literally. You aim for a certain color/style then, shoot (purchase) then kill and disect (tailor and alter). I'm steering clear of anything that spoils shopping period. I can't imagine planning something for a year. I can't imagine studying up on flowers to the extent of a botanist. I can't imagine wearing lace unless it's by Betsey Johnson, Heatherette or Commes de Garcons. I can't imagine having to select which friends are close enough to make the bridal party cut. Personally, I think it's your close friends that should be freed of the task. Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be asked to be a part of their special day, I just don't know what I'm good for. For instance, what's the difference between a briday party and a bachelorette party? I asked this question to the soon-to-be-brides and they didn't seem happy to learn that neither of the planning has begun.
I'm looking at three weddings within the next six months. I'm still not certain on my thoughts on marriage and children but I am leaning towards the no wedding thing. In fact, I'm growing a fondness for eloping- it isn't tacky, it's spontaneously romantic (and efficient). It's a good thing that none of my soon-to-be-married friends read my blog...or anyone for that matter *crickets*.
Nope, I do not want it. No thank you with all the planning, flowering, and dress hunting. Yes, somehow it even managed to take the fun out of dress shopping- it goes from shopping to hunting, literally. You aim for a certain color/style then, shoot (purchase) then kill and disect (tailor and alter). I'm steering clear of anything that spoils shopping period. I can't imagine planning something for a year. I can't imagine studying up on flowers to the extent of a botanist. I can't imagine wearing lace unless it's by Betsey Johnson, Heatherette or Commes de Garcons. I can't imagine having to select which friends are close enough to make the bridal party cut. Personally, I think it's your close friends that should be freed of the task. Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be asked to be a part of their special day, I just don't know what I'm good for. For instance, what's the difference between a briday party and a bachelorette party? I asked this question to the soon-to-be-brides and they didn't seem happy to learn that neither of the planning has begun.
Tahoe 2005
A bus, a subway, a shuttle, a plane, and a rental car away I finally arrived in Tahoe for a weekend ski trip. By all the efforts, it might appear as though I'm an avid skier. Well, I'm not. I went a lot growing up and made seasonal trips in college so I do enjoy the annual snow trips however, in truth, the appeal of this trip was to hang out with my new l.a. friend. It was a blast.
The highlight of the trip wasn't the incredible sunny 50 degree weather, perfect powder snow, the amazing accomodations, or even the breathtaking views but it was the biscuits in bed, sushi on the plate as I finished the last piece, and only having to carry my ski poles. I had forgotten how nice it was to not be independent.
Back in NY, on my way out to the market, where I have to juggle the groceries and opening the mail room door with only two hands. Four hands sure would make it easier. *sigh*
A bus, a subway, a shuttle, a plane, and a rental car away I finally arrived in Tahoe for a weekend ski trip. By all the efforts, it might appear as though I'm an avid skier. Well, I'm not. I went a lot growing up and made seasonal trips in college so I do enjoy the annual snow trips however, in truth, the appeal of this trip was to hang out with my new l.a. friend. It was a blast.
The highlight of the trip wasn't the incredible sunny 50 degree weather, perfect powder snow, the amazing accomodations, or even the breathtaking views but it was the biscuits in bed, sushi on the plate as I finished the last piece, and only having to carry my ski poles. I had forgotten how nice it was to not be independent.
Back in NY, on my way out to the market, where I have to juggle the groceries and opening the mail room door with only two hands. Four hands sure would make it easier. *sigh*
Friday, January 21, 2005
Cold but Warm
It is too cold. So cold that you actually feel brain freeze, like you just took a big gulp of slurpee. It's like pins and needles all over your body. It's hard to even crack a smile, your face is too numb. Your hands are too frozen to make a fist, but if you're able to make a fist, it'll stay that way. And your ears? Fuggedaboutit.
What do people in New York do during these months? Especially if you didn't do your homework in the fall and never found a winter-mate. Thus far, my solutions are: Netflix, downloading tunes, ordering from the Szchewan Palace and calling friends back in sunny Cali. *sigh* Luckily this time around, I have my sunny, l.a. buddy here with me. Again, lucky for me but not so lucky for her. Poor gal, we've been had 4 hour days of sun, and 8 hours nights of grim darkness. Let's just say, it's been a lot of Hunan Palace and major q. t. Sure, it wasn't the ideal time to come as far as sightseeing, activities, and more importanly, shopping, however by being snowed in, we got to gab away the way we used to in college during all nighters for finals. Except, this time, there were no books involved. Maybe blizzards aren't always so terrible.
It is too cold. So cold that you actually feel brain freeze, like you just took a big gulp of slurpee. It's like pins and needles all over your body. It's hard to even crack a smile, your face is too numb. Your hands are too frozen to make a fist, but if you're able to make a fist, it'll stay that way. And your ears? Fuggedaboutit.
What do people in New York do during these months? Especially if you didn't do your homework in the fall and never found a winter-mate. Thus far, my solutions are: Netflix, downloading tunes, ordering from the Szchewan Palace and calling friends back in sunny Cali. *sigh* Luckily this time around, I have my sunny, l.a. buddy here with me. Again, lucky for me but not so lucky for her. Poor gal, we've been had 4 hour days of sun, and 8 hours nights of grim darkness. Let's just say, it's been a lot of Hunan Palace and major q. t. Sure, it wasn't the ideal time to come as far as sightseeing, activities, and more importanly, shopping, however by being snowed in, we got to gab away the way we used to in college during all nighters for finals. Except, this time, there were no books involved. Maybe blizzards aren't always so terrible.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Sure enough...
it's all happening. Every song reminds you of him. Every story somehow relates back. His favorite foods are on the menu. His car is everywhere. His smell is at the bars.
Sure enough, everything reminds you of him. Even the furthest stretch. "That'll be $30 miss." "OMG, he's 30!" "Here's you water, miss." "OMG, he drinks water." "Those are some nice jeans, Candy." "OMG, his ______..."
And this is supposed to be the fun part...
it's all happening. Every song reminds you of him. Every story somehow relates back. His favorite foods are on the menu. His car is everywhere. His smell is at the bars.
Sure enough, everything reminds you of him. Even the furthest stretch. "That'll be $30 miss." "OMG, he's 30!" "Here's you water, miss." "OMG, he drinks water." "Those are some nice jeans, Candy." "OMG, his ______..."
And this is supposed to be the fun part...
Saturday, January 15, 2005
I wonder
Usually when I'm sad , it's because someone hurt me. This is new because I feel sad but for the exact opposite reason. He was kind, affectionate and it all felt sincere. I wonder if he questions my sincerity because of our start. I wonder if he doubts what I've expressed. I wonder for how long he'll wonder about me.
I wonder who actually makes these things work, especially if there's a continent between them. It makes me sad to realize the inevitable and recognize this as what it will be, a lovely memory.
Usually when I'm sad , it's because someone hurt me. This is new because I feel sad but for the exact opposite reason. He was kind, affectionate and it all felt sincere. I wonder if he questions my sincerity because of our start. I wonder if he doubts what I've expressed. I wonder for how long he'll wonder about me.
I wonder who actually makes these things work, especially if there's a continent between them. It makes me sad to realize the inevitable and recognize this as what it will be, a lovely memory.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Monday, January 03, 2005
I've missed you...
Oh blog, how I've missed you. I haven't meant to neglect you, I've just been busy... wow, I don't think I've ever uttered that phrase before. It's true, I'm never really that busy and so I thought I'd give it try since, those that are 'always busy' seem to always 'feel good about working out,' be 'advancing in their career,' and are 'keeping their mind off boys/girls.' I came, I saw, I left...it just wasn't for me. The later part of the year was a bit non-stop: to school, to the office and to the restaurant, my quiet time of the day was on the subway. I returned to California, to escape to the dreadful start of winter in New York and for a little r & r. I'ts been nice. Real nice.
At 25, and as a new year begins I've come to know a few things about me. I'm not very involved in....anything. I don't own a gym membership and I'll probably sit this year out too. I don't make more than one plan per night. Sometimes I let who's hosting SNL decide whether or not I'll go out on a Saturday night. I don't fly in on Sunday nights to go back into work on Mondays. 'Running errands' on the weekends usually means looking for some obscure building holding a sample sale. I like watching people do yoga. I watch directors' commentaries. I don't eat lunch at the desk, if I am, I'm surfing through entertainment sites or flipping through W mag.
The past few months were rewarding in a productive way, however, I find satisfaction in being able to write a blog entry. As the new year begins, I'm going to go try and go back to smelling roses, as soon as they bloom in New York.
Oh blog, how I've missed you. I haven't meant to neglect you, I've just been busy... wow, I don't think I've ever uttered that phrase before. It's true, I'm never really that busy and so I thought I'd give it try since, those that are 'always busy' seem to always 'feel good about working out,' be 'advancing in their career,' and are 'keeping their mind off boys/girls.' I came, I saw, I left...it just wasn't for me. The later part of the year was a bit non-stop: to school, to the office and to the restaurant, my quiet time of the day was on the subway. I returned to California, to escape to the dreadful start of winter in New York and for a little r & r. I'ts been nice. Real nice.
At 25, and as a new year begins I've come to know a few things about me. I'm not very involved in....anything. I don't own a gym membership and I'll probably sit this year out too. I don't make more than one plan per night. Sometimes I let who's hosting SNL decide whether or not I'll go out on a Saturday night. I don't fly in on Sunday nights to go back into work on Mondays. 'Running errands' on the weekends usually means looking for some obscure building holding a sample sale. I like watching people do yoga. I watch directors' commentaries. I don't eat lunch at the desk, if I am, I'm surfing through entertainment sites or flipping through W mag.
The past few months were rewarding in a productive way, however, I find satisfaction in being able to write a blog entry. As the new year begins, I'm going to go try and go back to smelling roses, as soon as they bloom in New York.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
life is fair
It is assumed that a relationship, by nature, is restrictive. As part of a duo, one must ignore temptations and repress certain desires. One must even regularly consult, confirm and coordinate with their other. However, I would like to recognize the repressions of not being in a relationship.
Lately, my friends have been calling frequently with tales of romantic woes. Their love quarrels got me to realize that I don't recall the last time I had drama with a fellow. At the outset, one might consider this to be a good thing. I suppose. Unforunately, that can't be an absolute sentiment. I realize that what I'm about to say proves all theories about what a total girl a girl can be but I can't fight the ideology. I miss the drama. I haven't reached a level of intimacy and closeness with a guy deep enough for me to sincerely express my true thoughts, feelings and so on. It takes a while before two people can pass the, what I term, 'polite period,' or 'courtesy conversation.'
Thus, there are repressions in a single gal's life. Even for those that are dating. Until you are in that elusive, exclusive situation with another, there are certain releases that are restricted until further notice. All is fair in love and no love.
It is assumed that a relationship, by nature, is restrictive. As part of a duo, one must ignore temptations and repress certain desires. One must even regularly consult, confirm and coordinate with their other. However, I would like to recognize the repressions of not being in a relationship.
Lately, my friends have been calling frequently with tales of romantic woes. Their love quarrels got me to realize that I don't recall the last time I had drama with a fellow. At the outset, one might consider this to be a good thing. I suppose. Unforunately, that can't be an absolute sentiment. I realize that what I'm about to say proves all theories about what a total girl a girl can be but I can't fight the ideology. I miss the drama. I haven't reached a level of intimacy and closeness with a guy deep enough for me to sincerely express my true thoughts, feelings and so on. It takes a while before two people can pass the, what I term, 'polite period,' or 'courtesy conversation.'
Thus, there are repressions in a single gal's life. Even for those that are dating. Until you are in that elusive, exclusive situation with another, there are certain releases that are restricted until further notice. All is fair in love and no love.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Fall 2004 Schedule
What if I end up serving one of my students a milkshake? What if I am an intern with them? ...
I've been back in NY for almost 3 weeks and in that time I've discovered a way to make money, hone my public speaking skills, all hopefully without any spills (sometimes I think the rhymes help). Waitricing in a fast paced diner (where the wait staff waits to be discovered by some acting/modeling agent), teaching a course in public relations (talk about 'those who can't do teach') and interning for the PR group with what I believe to be mecca, the Gucci Group.
I've come to accept that the perfect job is unattainable for me right now. Rather, the perfect combination will have to suffice. Am I excited? You bet your ass. Coffee Shop has a cool vibe, Marymount Manhattan College is close to home and Gucci not made in Seoul, Korea all tickle my fancy. Am I scared? You bet your ass I am. Waitricing is hard work, hard work that I haven't done since...*scratch forehead* hmmm...I'm sure there was a time. I'm also scared of entering a classroom where the students are wondering if I should be a part of the class rather than in front of it and most importanly, I'm worried that my coach bag will be frowned upon at Gucci.
*Exhale* I just hope that I don't show up to class with an apron on.
What if I end up serving one of my students a milkshake? What if I am an intern with them? ...
I've been back in NY for almost 3 weeks and in that time I've discovered a way to make money, hone my public speaking skills, all hopefully without any spills (sometimes I think the rhymes help). Waitricing in a fast paced diner (where the wait staff waits to be discovered by some acting/modeling agent), teaching a course in public relations (talk about 'those who can't do teach') and interning for the PR group with what I believe to be mecca, the Gucci Group.
I've come to accept that the perfect job is unattainable for me right now. Rather, the perfect combination will have to suffice. Am I excited? You bet your ass. Coffee Shop has a cool vibe, Marymount Manhattan College is close to home and Gucci not made in Seoul, Korea all tickle my fancy. Am I scared? You bet your ass I am. Waitricing is hard work, hard work that I haven't done since...*scratch forehead* hmmm...I'm sure there was a time. I'm also scared of entering a classroom where the students are wondering if I should be a part of the class rather than in front of it and most importanly, I'm worried that my coach bag will be frowned upon at Gucci.
*Exhale* I just hope that I don't show up to class with an apron on.
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